Songs of Praise

From neat suburban gardens to the sound of the church bells
They come from north, south, east and west as the congregation swells
Last night there were only fifteen souls now they're pouring through the doors
It's not because they're serving Theakston's, no they're here because they're going to be appearing on...

Songs of praise, oh songs of praise
To the cameras we will sing
In soprano, tenor or baritone voice
Those loud hosannas ring
All in all we can all agree
That Jesus Christ was a Conservative MP,
I'll open my mouth wide 'till it fills the TV screen
'Cos I'm on songs of praise
Yes, I'm on songs of praise.

The church is decorated with the Dahlia and the Rose
To cover any nasty smells that might get up one's nose
I looked in the mirror and a vision I beheld
In velvet jacket and dicky bow tie
I hope my boss is watching me
That star of screen as I'm here singing on...

Songs of praise, oh songs of praise

On weekdays I count silver and gold and fight the material fight
They say I'd probably sell my own grandmother
If the price was right
But now I sing to raise the roof I miss my mobile phone
To see if my shares in "Granny's 'r' Us have multiplied and grown while I've been singing..

Songs of praise, oh songs of praise..

I'll put on more vibrato to be better heard and seen
The Royal Opera or even Sir Cliff might even notice me
God moves in mysterious ways to fulfil the financial dreams
Of one poor lonely rentacreep just trying to shove that camel Through the eye of that needle singing...

Songs of praise, oh songs of praise..

I'm oozing extreme unction out of every single pore
As I carry on singing in this silly voice
So smiling and cocksure
I'm such a pillar of righteousness a modern miracle to behold
Well, who would believe that underneath it all
I'm such a complete arsehole as I'm here singing..

Songs of Praise, oh songs of praise...

And you won't see my arse for dust next week
When there's no more Songs of Praise
..Amen...

I must confess to stealing the "Granny's r 'Us idea from my favourite duo of Alan Green and Mark Lawrenson, referring to the moral principles of Terry Venables as I remember

Another favourite moment from these two was when, during a particularly boring match one of them noticed a vicar in the crowd, and commented that, unusually, he was wearing a green top under his dog collar. Endeavouring to come up with an explanation, one of them volunteered:-
"It must be the away strip"